Advice For Thems That Needs It, vol. 284

Today's question comes from Joe Bob of Adel, Georgia:

Dear Shamalama,

My sister and them am coming up to Atlanta to see me and the wife and kids next weekend. Theys never been up to the big city before, and I was a'wonderin' what'n advice I's might give them.

Well Joe Bob, I've been trottin' in and out of Atlanta for lots of years now, and over them years I've come to some conclusions about my neighbor town:

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
- Peachtree Circle - Peachtree Terrace - Peachtree Battle -
- Peachtree Place - Peachtree Avenue - Peachtree Corners -
- Peachtree Lane - Peachtree Commons - New Peachtree -
- Peachtree Road - Old Peachtree - West Peachtree -
- Peachtree Parkway - Peachtree-Dunwoody - Peachtree Industrial Boulevard -
- Peachtree Run - Peachtree-Chamblee -

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all they drink there, so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. Asking for a Pepsi is a misdemeanor and you can be arrested for doing so.

Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.

- The 8:00 am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM.
- The 5:00 pm rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM.
- Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2:00 am Saturday.

Only a native can only pronounce "Ponce De Leon Avenue", so do not attempt the proper Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawns duh LEE-on".

The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the TV channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

I-285, the interstate loop that encircles Atlanta, has a posted speed limit of 55 mph but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over. It is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Don't believe the directional markers on highways. I-285 is marked "East" and "West" but you may be going "North" or "South". The locals identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop".

If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just drive on one of the interstates or highways and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live around Atlanta.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 can be found in Atlanta, plus a couple no one has seen before.

And always remember: "If it crawls, it bites."


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Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit - I'm out of time. I gots to get back my chores before'n my bride catches me on this fancy computer thingie. I hope your visit to the city is fun and pleasant. And always remember: any day above ground is a good one.